observation

all the times in my life I’ve cried in uncontrollably in public:

1. sometime in 1990: i was at K’s house and she was putting her mother’s blush on my cheeks.  her mother told us to stop because it was time for dinner.  i suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt even though we weren’t in trouble.  she carried me home and she was quite nervous that i was crying so hard and couldn’t explain why.

2. jul 1992: watching lassie at st. peter’s. M and i went to day camp 2 or 3 days a week while my mom went to school for her phD. i refused to make any friends the entire summer and consequently felt profoundly lonely. we went to see a lassie movie on a field trip and i started crying during the movie and couldn’t stop.

3. nov 2005: at a track meeting right after arguing with S about our fundraiser.  i kept my sunglasses on so no one would see, but one of the throwers snatched them off and my tears were quickly discovered by everyone.

4. may 2008: senior banquet the year H graduated college.

5. mar 2010: at the airport after being told i would miss my flight to america. could not even talk to the airline attendant because i was sobbing so hard i couldn’t speak. i tried to stop in the bathroom to no avail, and ended up taking an ativan to calm down.

6. oct 2010: in line at Kroger when the checkout guy asked about the bandage on my finger. realizing i was crying in front of strangers upset me so much that it was all the harder to stop.

appearance

i had an argument with myself about whether it’s helpful or detrimental to appear pretty at work.  probably more important than that is staying quietly focused on the task at hand. still..i’m not sure how to keep my hair from looking so messy and disheveled by mid-morning without subjecting it to the straightening iron.  and is it okay to wear pastel nail polish in october if the weather is sunny and mild?  what about peep-toe shoes?

waiting for someone to die

Image by doug88888 via Flickr

is not something i’ve experienced before. i usually have a hard time conceptualizing the fact that someone is gone and isn’t coming back. but seeing someone physically decay before my eyes is different. i’m not sure how i feel or how i’m supposed to feel. i think i just feel detached. most of my dreams are now about atlanta.

she wants to die, and because i love her, i also want her to die. i’m not sure if it’s okay for me to ask god for this wish.

frustration!

Image via Wikipedia

stuff i want to talk about but can’t:

1. financial accounting trends – US GAAP vs. IFRS

2. taxation – compliance, planning, philosophy, psychology, and interesting anecdotes.  and i don’t mean the shallow conversations where people ask me if i’ve ever heard of something called the fair tax. =P

3. food

4. church

5. nail polish

I cheated on the CPA exam

I asked God to have mercy on me and help me pass and he did.  Well, more specifically, I asked that my knowledge be sufficient for a passing score.  I would not want to pass unless I met the standards required to ensure protection of the public.  I am frequently irritated to hear of friends asking God to change the answers on their tests and to get As even though they did not study at all.  That seems like a dangerous practice to make a habit of.  Maybe God put more understanding of the material in my head after the test, because my score was clearly a miracle I did not deserve.  I felt quite guilty making this request, but like everyone I know taking it, I was desperate and so I did anyway.  After fellowshiping with Assemblies of God, United Church of Christ, the Catholic Church, and the Unitarian Church, it’s hard for me to find a coherent model of example to follow when it comes to prayer and identity in relation to God.  I usually just default to “don’t worry about anything, but instead pray about everything.”  Since I can’t think of a time I’ve ever prayed for something that God did not deliver peace, strength, and a merciful resolution for, and I do not think God would make the wrong decision when responding to prayers, I tend to think I am right about this.

it’s intentional

i know i am irritatingly diplomatic sometimes.

catharsis

movement is not just exercise, but the most pure form of emotional expression. i leave ballet class feeling dark and moody, but somehow cleaner. i experience everything i’ve ignored and denied and having an accounting of my thoughts brings me to reality. like the stress of processing and cleaning up all the papers lying on my desk and feeling worn down from having to confront issues i’ve neglected and relieved to once again have a clean workspace. i am my true self when i’m dancing – the most honest version.

Lately

i feel like doing this

“disinterested”

Image via Wikipedia

this word was used incorrectly in the book, american psycho.  based on context, i know the author meant to use “uninterested”.  it’s very hard for me to continue reading after noticing this error.  it’s driving me a little crazy.

http://www.dailywritingtips.com/disinterested-not-the-same-as-uninterested/

a different point of view

for years my eating and exercise habits were extreme compared to everyone i knew.  i legitimately had a problem, but it definitely appeared much worse than it was because of the people i spent time with – my roommates and boyfriend would gawk at my 10 mile runs and lunches of tuna and yogurt.  it made me self-conscious and anxious to the point that i lied regularly about my habits.

now many of my friends are marathoners and professional runners.  my runs and time spent exercising are a fraction of what they’re doing.  i no longer care to hide the idiosyncrasies that linger from my eating disorder because instead of being lectured or teased, i am complimented on my choices. even if i still had a problem, i think they would view me the same way – as health-conscious, not sick.  it’s very liberating.